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Dante's Inferno
The Random Crap Encyclopedia

The Stuff that you would probably never do, but would like to read about...

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Slurpie Gum

We went to the 7-11 to get stuff. Not anything in particular, just stuff. Well, Jackie spotted Cherry-Cola Slurpie Gum. 3 things that we liked, put together. We thought it was a good idea, so we waited with baited breath for Jackie to split the random new gum. She popped a piece in her mouth, and about 10 feet later we had to stop the car so she could spit it out. The gum was that bad. Of course I had to try it. I took a piece, unwrapped it, and threw it into the gateway to hell, aka my mouth. The original sensation is warm and fuzzy, like a warm and fuzzy thing. However, when you bite into it, the warm and fuzzy thing grows jagged edges and erupts into a maelstrom of pop-rocks, foam, and muffled screams. I lasted 10 feet, and then I had to spit it out. Now, you may wonder why I love Jess as much as a I do, and the reason is that even after she saw the gum conquer both Jackie and Me, she still tried a piece. Complained about how bad it was after she spit it out, but she still tried it miraculously. That's why I love her. Anyway, the moral is, don't buy Slurpie Gum. And if you do, be sure to save a piece to torture your friend, who is trying the most rancid food on Earth, that extra little bit.

The Most Random Saturday of Humanity

Everybody goes to the mall. However, no one goes to the mall like my friends and I do. We're a constant sore in the side of the "Butch" security guard, and we've been kicked out by her once, although her dirty looks have made us leave at least a dozen times. The random stuff that we had done at the mall came to a climax on October 7, 2000. We took Jackie's permission slip that she handed in the next day and made a list of all the random, funny, or scary things that happened to us that day, and I'm now presenting it to you:

Preface: "Jackie, Please take off the hat."

Well, as Jackie was leaving the house, her mother kindly requested that she remove the hat. This was mostly due to it makes Jackie look like a 14 year old boy.

1. "Doh" finds Jackie

Jess and I had gone to the mall an hour or so early and just planned to walk around together. We were on the upper floor, and I wanted to get the attention of my friend Jason who was working in my old place of employment, Brookstone. Yes, that's right. The place with the cool chairs. Anyway, to get his attention I screamed out a deafening Homer Simpson "DOH!" Jackie heard this and randomly appeared out of nowhere.

2. Jackie's stair people who claim she's a lesbian.

As Jackie is walking up the stairs, a group of middle school boys loudly observe "look she's a lesbian". One, this is not hard to see and two, who the hell sits on the stairs in the middle of the mall.

3. Fat kids telling us to shut the Fuck up.

After we randomly found Jackie and she told us about the Observant Stair People, Jess, Jackie and I went to the Food Court to not eat. We sat there having a loud time. Not necessarily a good time, but we were being loud. Anyway, while we were having our loud time, the table next to us was filled with 5 superly-unintelligent Ogres. They constantly were looking at us and grunting, and we cared a great deal, just not. When they got up to leave, their leader, Tubby the Utterly Confused, came over to us and said in his idiotic jumble "You guys really need to shut the fuck up." They went away and Jess, Jackie, and I stared at each other stupidly, feeling confused like Timmy of South Park, only without the wheel chair.

4. Following fat kids and finding Bellis.

When our brains kicked back in after the initial confusion of getting told off by someone with a single-digit IQ, we realized that we couldn't just stand for it. Jackie, Jess, and I looked at each other with the unspoken "Let's go kick some ass" look that you see in old Westerns and Ninja Movies. We got up and stealthily pursued the ogres into their layer. Actually, they just went down the stairs and we planned to follow them. That is, until we saw Bellis wandering up the stairs, totally oblivious to the evil beings that had just passed him on the right. We didn't care. Jay was a shiny distracting little man, so we forgot about Tubby the Utterly Confused, for a little while...

5. Avoiding Steph Lewis

We were going to go down the stairs, but then we saw Steph Lewis so we turned around and went someplace else. Do I feel good about the fact that we changed our planned course just to avoid another human being? No. However, at the time, she deserved the cold shoulder, and any other part of my body that was feeling a little frigid. Do you wanna know why I was pissed at her? Really? Ok....TOO BAD! Mind your own business....nosy! :)

6. Yelled at by Hoffman and "Friend"

I know a lot of weird people. And with a name like Dante, I hear my name shouted by a wide range of the various weirdos, sometimes without knowing who they are. On our little walk; now with Jess, Jackie, Jay, Not Steph Lewis, and Myself; Matt Hoffman, weirdo extraordinaire, screamed something to the effect of "Arghh....Dante.... Balnsz!!!" We were also being grunted at by his friend, whom I don't know. It didn't bother us though. With the stuff that had ALREADY happened that night, nothing could surprise us....OR SO WE THOUGHT!!! Enter the Mormons!!!

7. Told off by Mormon Bastards (No exaggeration needed)

Yes, you read that right. Even for my group, this was a first. We got told off by Mormon Bastards. Actually, I got told off by Mormon Bastards. But they were Mormon Bastards none-the-less. We were walking over near Lord & Taylors, having a great old time, when I let a bad word slip. Well, I probably didn't let it slip since my friends and I all swear at the drop of a hat. I swore. I'm not proud of it, but then again, I'm not ashamed of it because I was never taught by a Mormon Bastard to not say such things. In front of us, a couple turned around and the man got all up in my face. "You better watch your mouth! If my daughter was here, you wouldn't be speaking!!!" Yeah, a death threat from a man I didn't even know. You might call it scary, but I call it popularity. The man walked away with one of his wives (Damned Mormons!) and I was left there, speechless (I guess he got what he wanted). My friends and I were broken out of the trance by a random old guy who asked "Do you know that guy?" After we nodded an innocent "NO", he replied "What the hell was his problem?" We don't know, but the moral is, don't swear behind Mormon Bastards.

8. Jess Dying (Maybe)

18. Stealing 4 "As Seen on TV" signs.

Well, a small little kiosk in the mall sells stuff that you see on those crappy infomercials. The only advertisements that this cart had were these four "As Seen On TV" signs that looked really cool. So cool, in fact, that Jackie and BJ were forced to steal that poor man's entire advertisement base. Poor, poor little TV man.

22. Jackie runs into Steph Lewis & Christie in bathroom.

Despite our best efforts to avoid this whole group, Jackie manages to run into a distraught Steph and bitchy Christie in the bathroom.


* Do not try any of these things at home or anywhere for that matter. We are not responsible for any mental, physical, or legal consequences.